New Beginnings and Changes 6/10/2021
As you can see from my previous posts, I needed a lot to work on. A lot of it, I believe, I have changed for the better. There are some things I want to mention though and it starts with meeting new friends.
Ever since meeting John Butler, Mama Rose Butler, Keith Denning, Cody Denning, AJ Odri, and friends of theirs, my life seems to have changed for the better, and here's why & how. When I was first introduced it was through John Butler. I had posted on facebook stating I was looking for some new friends preferably guy friends because my whole life has been pretty much female friends and while it was nice, there are things that you can't do with both. I 've always wanted to be part of a group of guys where we could do guy things with, feel like bros or something since I never had any, learn things, just be a guy ya know. So John reached out and said he had some neighbors who might be interested so we set up a meet at Cardinal Lanes bowling alley. Now me being very introverted very shy very quiet, I was very hesitant and nervous. Why? Not really sure, just was. It's easier to talk with people like at work for me for some reason but this was different. At the time I cared about what people thought of me or was afraid of being judged. It was something new to me. So we met at the bowling alley and I met Keith and Cody. We went inside ate and drank. AJ met us there and Mam Rose and John soon after. Mama Rose I found very interesting, she was easy to talk to and it felt very comforting. John came over and introduced himself and then we went bowling. John is a character as well. Very intelligent about things I have no clue about too so that's very helpful. Bowling, among many other things that Keith and Cody have invited me to, is something I hadn't done for many many years so I knew I would suck which I did but I'll get better. I had so much fun that night. When we were done they invited me over to their house to hang. I said I would but possibly had a date but more than likely yes because my "dates" usually end up now show which it did. So I hung out that night and it was the first time I told myself "I've got my group I've been looking for. I'm actually going to start loving my life." Well the feeling did not last for long. For some reason I got the idea that I was better off dead. Even wrote out my suicide note. I was tired of not having a relationship and constantly getting rejected and there were other contributing factors. So I randomly messaged the new friends I just made and said I didn't want to hang out anymore. Reason why, I didn't want anything positive in my life to keep me from doing what I needed to do, which was to binge drink and take the rest of my pain/sleeping pills hoping to pass out and never wake up again. Friday came and I went to work waiting for the day to pass and when I got home, my sister tells me my mother has decided to quit dialysis. You bet your sweet ass I was ready to die. I get ready to leave for the bar, pills in my pocket, but as I'm driving out of town, something inside me tells me to stop, try something different instead of being stupid and impulsive, reach out and ask for help. So I go to KC (Keith and Cody) to try and explain. They weren't there so I call my 2 sisters Jessica and Cinda. They convinced me to calm down and wait till later and try again. So I did and called later in the evening and got a hold of Keith asking if I could come over and explain. They said yes and I did. Since then, they have been a godsend and have literally saved my life in more ways than I can express. They've all let me vent cry bitch etc without judging me. They've let me crash at their place while under the influence so I'm not driving drunk. I've been offered by other friends if I need a place to crash at times or come over and vent, I'm more than welcome. They have invited me to their gatherings like fishing, camping, boating, tubing, drinking, going to the bars, or just chilling at their place. Keith even changed my brakes after I mentioned that something was wrong but I would get it fixed at Barney's. He did it for free as long as I had the parts. They've done so much for me this past month and I just can't seem to understand why. What have I done to earn their generosity because I feel like I haven't done anything in my life to deserve it. Then recently I've decided to move because I don't want to live where I'm currently staying due to some concerns I'd rather not mention. I didn't have anywhere to go currently until I can get on my own feet which may take a bit. Not long but a bit. The first thing I hear when I mention to them that I may be living out of the car for a while... "We aren't gonna let you live out of your car, you can stay here till you get on your feet". And what do I say..."Thanks but I'll survive. I'm not gonna be that person who can't be on their own at the present time and who might be an inconvenience". They respond that I'm not an inconvenience and they wouldn't have offered if they didn't mean it. So I accepted and appreciated their offer. I tend to get emotional almost every other day because :
1. My mother is no longer with me
2. There are things that creep up that remind me of her
3. I seem to have met the best of friends right when I needed to
4. They are just a group of great friends that I thought I'd never have and they offer but don't ask for anything in return. I just ask myself how I got so lucky to have them in my life. I am just very grateful for all of them everyday and won't take it for granted. They've also helped me come out of my shell, my turtally green shell. I have been more active, sticking with my diet and exercise and they have all been supportive of that. I have been more rambunctious at times. There are still times where I am quiet but once I get alchi in me, I let loose more than usual. They've helped me with improving my confidence which still needs a little work. I've opened up a lot compared to a month or two ago. We banter and call each other nicknames. I don't care what people think anymore and I speak my mind. We have a lot of fun and I couldn't ask for anything more or anything better. I would undoubtedly be lost or even dead if it weren't for them. If any of you reading this are wondering why I am writing this, here's why : I want you to know that I love you. Even though we may not talk on a daily basis or have met each other, I would be there for you for whatever I can. If you need help, please reach out before making any rash decisions. Ask for help. We are all human and need help at some point. I've come to accept that fact. Someone will help you. It may change your life for the better or in more ways than you can imagine. Put yourself out there. Take risks. Don't let the little things get to you like they did me for the longest time. If you really want it, you can have it. You just have to try and ask if you need to. Thanks for reading.
Ever since meeting John Butler, Mama Rose Butler, Keith Denning, Cody Denning, AJ Odri, and friends of theirs, my life seems to have changed for the better, and here's why & how. When I was first introduced it was through John Butler. I had posted on facebook stating I was looking for some new friends preferably guy friends because my whole life has been pretty much female friends and while it was nice, there are things that you can't do with both. I 've always wanted to be part of a group of guys where we could do guy things with, feel like bros or something since I never had any, learn things, just be a guy ya know. So John reached out and said he had some neighbors who might be interested so we set up a meet at Cardinal Lanes bowling alley. Now me being very introverted very shy very quiet, I was very hesitant and nervous. Why? Not really sure, just was. It's easier to talk with people like at work for me for some reason but this was different. At the time I cared about what people thought of me or was afraid of being judged. It was something new to me. So we met at the bowling alley and I met Keith and Cody. We went inside ate and drank. AJ met us there and Mam Rose and John soon after. Mama Rose I found very interesting, she was easy to talk to and it felt very comforting. John came over and introduced himself and then we went bowling. John is a character as well. Very intelligent about things I have no clue about too so that's very helpful. Bowling, among many other things that Keith and Cody have invited me to, is something I hadn't done for many many years so I knew I would suck which I did but I'll get better. I had so much fun that night. When we were done they invited me over to their house to hang. I said I would but possibly had a date but more than likely yes because my "dates" usually end up now show which it did. So I hung out that night and it was the first time I told myself "I've got my group I've been looking for. I'm actually going to start loving my life." Well the feeling did not last for long. For some reason I got the idea that I was better off dead. Even wrote out my suicide note. I was tired of not having a relationship and constantly getting rejected and there were other contributing factors. So I randomly messaged the new friends I just made and said I didn't want to hang out anymore. Reason why, I didn't want anything positive in my life to keep me from doing what I needed to do, which was to binge drink and take the rest of my pain/sleeping pills hoping to pass out and never wake up again. Friday came and I went to work waiting for the day to pass and when I got home, my sister tells me my mother has decided to quit dialysis. You bet your sweet ass I was ready to die. I get ready to leave for the bar, pills in my pocket, but as I'm driving out of town, something inside me tells me to stop, try something different instead of being stupid and impulsive, reach out and ask for help. So I go to KC (Keith and Cody) to try and explain. They weren't there so I call my 2 sisters Jessica and Cinda. They convinced me to calm down and wait till later and try again. So I did and called later in the evening and got a hold of Keith asking if I could come over and explain. They said yes and I did. Since then, they have been a godsend and have literally saved my life in more ways than I can express. They've all let me vent cry bitch etc without judging me. They've let me crash at their place while under the influence so I'm not driving drunk. I've been offered by other friends if I need a place to crash at times or come over and vent, I'm more than welcome. They have invited me to their gatherings like fishing, camping, boating, tubing, drinking, going to the bars, or just chilling at their place. Keith even changed my brakes after I mentioned that something was wrong but I would get it fixed at Barney's. He did it for free as long as I had the parts. They've done so much for me this past month and I just can't seem to understand why. What have I done to earn their generosity because I feel like I haven't done anything in my life to deserve it. Then recently I've decided to move because I don't want to live where I'm currently staying due to some concerns I'd rather not mention. I didn't have anywhere to go currently until I can get on my own feet which may take a bit. Not long but a bit. The first thing I hear when I mention to them that I may be living out of the car for a while... "We aren't gonna let you live out of your car, you can stay here till you get on your feet". And what do I say..."Thanks but I'll survive. I'm not gonna be that person who can't be on their own at the present time and who might be an inconvenience". They respond that I'm not an inconvenience and they wouldn't have offered if they didn't mean it. So I accepted and appreciated their offer. I tend to get emotional almost every other day because :
1. My mother is no longer with me
2. There are things that creep up that remind me of her
3. I seem to have met the best of friends right when I needed to
4. They are just a group of great friends that I thought I'd never have and they offer but don't ask for anything in return. I just ask myself how I got so lucky to have them in my life. I am just very grateful for all of them everyday and won't take it for granted. They've also helped me come out of my shell, my turtally green shell. I have been more active, sticking with my diet and exercise and they have all been supportive of that. I have been more rambunctious at times. There are still times where I am quiet but once I get alchi in me, I let loose more than usual. They've helped me with improving my confidence which still needs a little work. I've opened up a lot compared to a month or two ago. We banter and call each other nicknames. I don't care what people think anymore and I speak my mind. We have a lot of fun and I couldn't ask for anything more or anything better. I would undoubtedly be lost or even dead if it weren't for them. If any of you reading this are wondering why I am writing this, here's why : I want you to know that I love you. Even though we may not talk on a daily basis or have met each other, I would be there for you for whatever I can. If you need help, please reach out before making any rash decisions. Ask for help. We are all human and need help at some point. I've come to accept that fact. Someone will help you. It may change your life for the better or in more ways than you can imagine. Put yourself out there. Take risks. Don't let the little things get to you like they did me for the longest time. If you really want it, you can have it. You just have to try and ask if you need to. Thanks for reading.
May 2011
WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO???
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???
AM I STILL BEING FUCKIN TESTED???
WHAT IS MY PURPOSE???
WHERE AM I GOING IN LIFE???
SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME WITH THESE QUESTIONS...
I love all of you but I might just be tired of everyone thinking they know the answer to everything. Some think that bc they've already had a chance at something I've never had the chance for. I'm just gonna go home and punch my floor. It is the only thing I can punch in my room without it breaking as much force as I'm gonna put behind it!
Roses are red Violets are blue Please kill me now In hell I'll see you.
Probably the best night I've ever had and to me it felt like it meant nothing. I got to sleep next to him and caressed his hand (don't know if he felt it) and just a great time. But he feels the same way towards a girl as I do about him. I will be happy if it works out between him and Kayla, I just wish I hadn't grown attached as much as I thought I would. I cried on our way back home though, cuz I know that it may never be, and I wanted it to be so bad. AND NOONE BE SAYING HURTFUL THINGS CUZ HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG, IT WAS ME!
How do you get detached from someone and still be their friend while not inflicting any pain upon yourself after you promise not to anymore all at the same time you're looking for someone else to love? I know one answer, but it's not the right one.
WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO???
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???
AM I STILL BEING FUCKIN TESTED???
WHAT IS MY PURPOSE???
WHERE AM I GOING IN LIFE???
SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME WITH THESE QUESTIONS...
I love all of you but I might just be tired of everyone thinking they know the answer to everything. Some think that bc they've already had a chance at something I've never had the chance for. I'm just gonna go home and punch my floor. It is the only thing I can punch in my room without it breaking as much force as I'm gonna put behind it!
Roses are red Violets are blue Please kill me now In hell I'll see you.
Probably the best night I've ever had and to me it felt like it meant nothing. I got to sleep next to him and caressed his hand (don't know if he felt it) and just a great time. But he feels the same way towards a girl as I do about him. I will be happy if it works out between him and Kayla, I just wish I hadn't grown attached as much as I thought I would. I cried on our way back home though, cuz I know that it may never be, and I wanted it to be so bad. AND NOONE BE SAYING HURTFUL THINGS CUZ HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG, IT WAS ME!
How do you get detached from someone and still be their friend while not inflicting any pain upon yourself after you promise not to anymore all at the same time you're looking for someone else to love? I know one answer, but it's not the right one.